Drifting Away From You

I don't know what to do, I seem to have lost purpose on living. I'm so confused of what I'm feeling right now. I feel like I'm about to break apart. I mean, I don't understand it... I really don't I'm serving You but why do I still feel so incomplete? How come there's this emptiness that I still feel? All this time that I'm here in this place, thinking it is You who placed me here, not the circumstances behind it, that's what You told me, I'm here because it is You who placed me here, the sole reason is You.

Maybe I am being punished, for everything I did in my family, for the people I hurt, that I dissapointed, that I abandoned. It's so hard, I mean, I wan't to serve You in the highest way, but still everytime I come to a point I doubt You, I would ask if are you really ever there, if you can hear me? You know my heart, You know me best. You know my life is not pleasing before You, so why can't You just tell me straight in the face that I don't belong to You? Probably it would made this agonizing feeling go away? I can't tell what You wan't, You're being to silent in me. And I don't know how much I can take this silence, it's making me deaf!

What is it that You really wan't me to do? You won't let me buy something that I feel I could serve You better? Is it so much to ask? Is it that big of a universe that when I own one, the world will never be the same? Why can't I have it? I don't want to let go, but I can't hold on that long. Day by day I know I'm drifting apart from You, You can see it. You said You love me, simply because you're Love, tell me right now, that You love me show me that I'm being loved, I feel so alone, I feel so far away from You now, yet in reality I'm really not You see me everywhere I go, You know what I do, You know it. Yet, somehow I don't feel Your presence, I don't feel that intimacy that well I used to feel. Why have You sent me here? I was optimistic about You and me being together with this, but now it feels like I'm all alone, I have nothing to run to. You know I'm breaking apart because I feel that you've left me with nothing else. Departed me from my family, the people closest to me, the people I feel You when I'm with... and then you placed me to a place when I'm a complete stranger, nobody would care if I die tomorrow or today, nobody would even look for me if I disappear... So, please answer me... What am I doing here? I have no question about wny I have been placed here, but the question after that makes me bothered so much, WHY am I here? What am I suppose to do? You know, I still believe that only You can answer this question, I will not find it by myself, or to anyone. I'm getting tired of looking for the answer, I'm getting tired of listening to people telling me what to do. I'm so tired, I just wanna die right now... I want to finish this, I'm going crazy as days past, for I feel I'm stuck in this time zone, that nothing changes, they're the same as yesterday. It's so predicatable.

Or maybe I just miss playing guitar, it's been a week. :_(